Hold me closer

My life has been a whirlwind for the past 2 years. The storms blew me off my feet and threw me back down on the ground just to blow me off my feet again. I didn't have the foundation I needed to stay protected and grounded. I fell off the path I was walking down with my husband and God. I'm ready to get back on the path I was on and fall in love with life and my husband again. 

It started on October 26, 2015 I got a phone call from my grandma saying that her cancer came back terminally and it was a matter of time before we lost her. Before that phone call, my husband and I had just moved into our 2 bedroom apartment expecting our first child and we were so high on life and love. We were so excited to have our son and to build a family. We were both doing what we love to do. I was running a business with my best friend doing hair for weddings and events and Patrick was working in middle school ministry at the church he grew up in. Things were great and were looking up for us! 

After that phone call, it rocked me. I didn't know where to go, who to talk to or what to say. I saw my grandma several times a week trying to soak up every moment I had with her. God kept her on earth long enough to meet her first great grandson for his first 2 months of life. Then, God took her home. Once I lost her, I completely lost myself and what felt like, my life. I shut down and shut everyone out. I stopped going to church, I was horrible to my husband and I just focused on taking care of my son because that was the only thing getting me through life at that moment. I was so in love with him and it was an easy distraction for me. After losing my grandma, my grandpa remarried after 6 months to a woman the family didn't even know. That shattered me even more. Then I walked away from my community and started to have a worldly mindset on life. I was so angry with God for a while asking why he took her from us. I never got an answer and I don't think I ever will. Patrick and I were in a bad place. I was so unlovable but he managed to love me anyways through it. We were in counseling every week and I think that is one of the major things that kept our marriage going. I was distant from him and stopped praying with him and talking to him. It was bad. About a year later we made some progress and I was doing better. I had a routine down with my son and was starting to enjoy life a little more. Patrick and I were still struggling but we both had hope that things would get better. In August of 2016 we decided to move to CO. We felt God calling us to go and didn't know why or how he was going to use us out there. We decided to go for it and thought it would be a good break for us to focus on our marriage and to take on this new adventure together. After we decided to move out, we found out we were pregnant with our daughter! That didn't stop us from moving but it definitely changed some plans we had. We come out to CO and all the plans we made completely fell through and changed. It was not what we were expecting at all.

The first few months of being in CO Patrick and I grew closer than we ever have been! We were reading the bible together every morning and praying together every morning and every night. We were responding to each other in a healthier way and we were loving each other and leaning on each other in this journey. I was amazed to see how God changed our hearts and brought us so close together. To this day we still have that connection and its just getting stronger and better :) So, praise to God for healing and his love and grace!

In the midst of the stress and all the changes that were happening, the day of my due date.... I got the 2nd worst phone call of my life. My best friend had lost her daughter at 20 weeks in pregnancy and had a still birth on May 16th, the day before my daughter was born. I immediately dropped to the floor crying. I couldn't believe it. Im sobbing on the phone talking to her and all I wanted was to be in the hospital with her to hold her and just cry with her. To this day it still brings me to tears. We had plans of our girls growing up together and matching them and watching them grow together. Watching your best friend go through infertility and multiple losses is heart breaking and theres nothing I can do about it. I was so hopeful when I found out she was pregnant and I set my mind on the fact that we would raise or daughters together. I became angry with God again after that didn't know what to say to him. I couldn't even imagine the pain my friend was feeling and all I wanted on the 16th was to bear her pain for her so that she didn't have to feel that. But, I can't do that nor would that be healthy. I had to give it to God and trust that he will use it for his good and he will heal and give her the children she desires. 

I'm still grieving the losses. It still hurts. Especially when I look at my baby girl, I ask God every time why couldn't her best friend be here with her. 

One month later, I'm ready to get back on the path God had me on. To start seeking him again and to connect with my husband more by letting him in and not shutting him out. To see what God's purpose is for us out here in CO. To find a church and community that we can serve in and allow God to use us. To create memories with our children and enjoy the time we get as a family. I am starting to journal again and give God my time everyday to prepare me for what he has planned for the day. 

I want to go back home with my husband by my side holding me closer leading me to God.